"Select Your Own Story: 

The Case of the Undersexed Husband" 

by Paul Lewellan

Editor’s Note

You, the reader, are in charge!  Make the choices.  Face the consequences.

The Situation.  Before you met your future husband at the Third Street Baptist Ice Cream Social seven years ago, you pledged to remain celibate until marriage. When on the fifth date Wendell mentioned third base, you realized he was not talking baseball. Do you keep your pledge of chastity, or do you decide to get a little nasty?

Chastity is it. You burn through three Magic Wands during the fourteen-month courtship, whetting your appetite for the sex to come, but you keep your promise to remain a virgin. Are there fireworks on your honeymoon night or are you in for a letdown? 

Alas. A Letdown. Sexual congress with Wendell disappointed you on multiple levels. It hasn’t gotten better. Though the marriage endures, the frequency of sex has declined. Take a moment to rank his short-comings from one to eight, with one being the biggest turn off.

_____ Penis Length, Turgidity, and Circumference

_____ Energy and Enthusiasm

_____ Endurance and Staying Power

_____ Oral Skills

_____ Dominance, Taking Charge

_____ Pillow Talk

_____ Dirty Talk

_____ Invention, Creativity

Taking Charge. All right, so you’ve identified Wendell’s greatest shortcoming as his unwillingness to take charge. There is no sex unless you initiate it. To test the theory, you stop trying and wait for Wendell to find his misplaced libido. Nothing. More nothing. You record his wide array of excuses. Put a check mark beside his most frequently used. In the blank provided below, identify other of his comments that may have surprised you.

• “I’m coming down with something.”

• “Things are crazy at work.” 

• “Are you sure? You look exhausted.”

• “When you get bossy, it’s not sexy.”

• “I threw out my back the last time you tried that position.”

• “Maybe after you lose a few pounds….”

• “The sex faces you make scare me.”

• “I drank too much. I’m not sure I can get it up.”

• “We used our last condom last week.”

• “Not now. Ice Road Truckers is on.”

• ___________________________________________________

• ___________________________________________________

Ouch! In the blanks you reported he said, “You take too long to come” and “I have a six a.m. tee time.” You and Wendell are not on the same page. Your quest to complete the 64 sexual positions of the Kama Sutra has faltered. 

You believe your husband when he says he loves you. Wendell is your best friend. He tolerates your two sisters, and has retained his movie-star good looks over the last nine years, but you can’t imagine life without sex. What do you do? Do you…

1. Threaten Wendell with divorce unless he finds a couples sex therapist and gets his testosterone checked? 

2. Redouble your efforts? Max out your credit card buying lingerie at Fredericks of Hollywood online. Slip Spanish fly into his meatloaf. Take him to his favorite oyster bar. Ply him with alcohol as you diagram the Basset Hound position (a variation on Doggy Style).

3. Or….

An Unexpected Opportunity. At your law firm’s Christmas Party you overhear the young attorneys commenting on your enduring “hottitude.” Do you…?

1. Blush and walk away?

2. Confront the young men and women about their sexualization of the workplace?

3. Lure the newest junior partner Armando Fernandez to the photocopy room and encourage him to explore your underserved body parts first with the Stand and Deliver position, followed by the Reverse Cowgirl? 

Option 3 It Is. The liaison with Armando was especially satisfying on a variety of levels. He was an excellent lover, and you amazed him with your creativity, limber body, and insatiable sexual appetite. Now what? Do you…?

• Write off the infidelity as a one-time affair and buy a six-pack of Magic Wands to get you through the tough times to come?

• Continue the relationship with Armando, excusing it as “only sex,” and rationalizing the power imbalance at work?

• Embrace the affair, but resolve to keep it secret as long as possible?

• Go all in, notify HR at work, and confess the affair to Wendell?

You Notify HR. Armando has dedicated himself to feeding your now insatiable libido. You’ve booked a room at the Marriot across the street from your office and frequent it before and after work. Sometimes you skip lunch. Your legal work is brilliant. There is talk of you making partner. He struggles to keep up. He takes naps in the break room. You send him lists of your next sexual positions. (Check three for tomorrow from the list below.)

• Suspended scissors

• Glowing juniper

• Catherine wheel

• Anvil

• Pretzel dip

• Scorpion

• Bent Spoon

Wendell’s Response. Taken aback by the sexual energy that bristles from you, Wendell’s libido emerges with a vengeance. When you return from liaisons with Armando, reeking of sex, Wendell hands you a dry martini and draws your bath. “Tell me about it,” he says. The more graphically you describe your couplings, the more ferocious your husband’s ardor when you step from the tub. Now courted by one lover, ravaged by another, finally you are sated. 

Choose Your Ending. Please select one of the following….

• Armando senses the shift in your marriage. In a jealous rage, he follows you home and confronts your husband. In Wendell’s cowardly attempt to escape his wrath, he jumps from the second floor balcony wrenching his back. You are smitten by Armando’s passion and file for divorce. Wendell begins a brief affair with his chiropractor. Eventually you reconcile. 

• Wendell has a lethal heart attack. After an appropriate mourning period, Armando asks for your hand in marriage. You refuse. You want more in a relationship than just sex, but you’re not sure what that is.

• You make partner and transfer Armando to the Chicago office. You sustain Wendell’s sex drive with fictional liaisons. Together you complete the Kama Sutra in the triumphant arch position. You book a couples retreat in Bali.

Paul Lewellan lives, writes, and gardens on the banks of the Mississippi River. He shares his retirement cottage with his wife Pamela (who is also his accountant), a rescue kitten called Caitlin Cat. and an ancient Maltese named Buddy. Find his work archived at paullewellan.com 

"Select Your Own Story: The Case of the Undersexed Husband" by Paul Lewellan is also available to stream and share on dogyard mag's podcast "The Bark at dogyard" on YouTube and Spotify <3